Covid- my life altering experience

 

Covid- my life altering experience:

My COVID symptoms started showing from 12th April 2021 with dry cough and mild temperature...but I was too optimistic to believe I had covid… symptoms persisted and I tested positive on 15th April... beginning of Bengali New Year with a jolt 😂😂😂 

Thankfully I dint delay this time and saw my doctor over teleconsultation on 16th itself… I was suffering from cold cough and mild fever…I was having mild chest pain too… my condition deteriorated very fast as my chest pain increased tremendously… I dint know it was symptom of pneumonia then… my first learning of Covid… Central chest pain was symptom of pneumonia and I should have known and acted on it faster…

Since I stay with my father, a senior citizen and a diabetic patient, I isolated myself immediately and completely… I shifted to another home… 

I got my father’s covid test done on 16th April itself so that I cud decide on my next course of action… co-dwelling with a senior citizen or staying alone or getting hospitalised together… we dint hav any other support system and more so during covid… unfortunately his reports came very late.. I waited… we received his report only on 20th April but like a silver lining, it came negative.. thankfully!

Meanwhile my condition had deteriorated further and terribly.. on 20th my oxygen saturation started depleting faster and by the 2nd half of the day i was operating only at 89% … it is at this time I realised that I cudnt stay at home any longer…I started my search for possible hospitalisation asap with all sources I had... I was staying completely alone at this time and my father had almost no clue about my deteriorating health.. I made sure I was completely isolated from him… I even stayed in a separate house and it was impossible for him or anyone to know unless I shared… only my cousin sister knew briefly… I m thankful I had her…

May b I was supposed to live a few more years to tell my story… a call came from Medica Hospital at 3.30 am on 21st April… thankfully a bed at medica hospital got arranged with help from a friend…and they asked me to come over immediately … I consider myself lucky and blessed… I m not sure what wud hav happened that night if the miracle hadn’t happen...

I tried calling my best friend to come along to the hospital… unfortunately her mobile had run out of battery… I tried multiple times in desperation… the phone’s switched off message was somehow not getting registered in my Covid affected brain.. I wasn’t in a condition to go alone this time… I was having tremendous chest pain and could only crawl to washroom for peeing…I was unable to walk.. and had severe pain after every pee in chest… so much that tears wud flow relentlessly and I wud hav to lie down for half an hour to 45 mins before I cud sit up again.. I knew I was loosing it.. and then I decided to give one last try…

As suggested by the hospital, I sent all documents through whtsapp to hospital from home itself.. I wasn’t allowed to carry anything except my debit card for payment.. not even my phone.. All I had at my isolation home was my shorts and a Tshirt and a chappal as wearables to go out… I gathered courage.. got myself ready in shorts and the only Tshirt I had and carried my bag of medicines… almost crawled down from the 2nd floor of the building…thankfully I reached out to my friend’s mother now that it was 4.30 am and convinced her to call my friend to come to hospital… 

I made one last call to my father before leaving for hospital to see him briefly from the window… I wasn’t sure if I ll have the opportunity again… but unfortunately his phone went unheard..

I cud reach hospital only around 5.30 am on 21st April… it took me 2 hours to gather myself up to get ready and reach to hospital which was only 5 mins away from my home since I was completely disabled with chest pain and was unable to breathe any further… I reached around 5-5.30 am to emergency dept and to my surprise met a doctor friend there, my second miracle for the day… i was immediately put on oxygen in emergency dept… my doctor friend assisted a fast CT and soon the CT Scan revealed 50% blockage in lungs... my doctor friend at Medica looked grim but I dint understand… he said my condition was bad..I had to b immediately shifted to HDU… 

22nd April, my Condition deteriorated faster and further… I was on oxygen 24x7 and on full assistance at HDU ward.. it was a dormitory… hospitals dint have the luxury of private rooms with HDU vigilance then… 

Things aggravated further as I started my periods on 22nd morning and life felt draining out of my body completely in tht condition.... 

In the hospital bed I was profusely crying with chest pain... I cud not breathe even with 24x7 oxygen… i cud not urinate as even tht caused life threatening pain in chest... I felt I ll collapse with heart attack if I try to urinate… I was scared in severe pain.. a pain I had never experienced before… I wasn’t able to go to ward washroom either.. even with help from nurses… I was given stool commode beside my bed.. and to remind you all, I was in a common gender neutral HDU dorm… All I had was a curtain..

I tried to restore energy… I wasn’t talking to anyone.. I was only talking to nurses if required and making calls to family from ward phone once a day… One of the attending nurses even mentioned that I might feel better if I talk to my fellow patients… but I dint.. I cudnt… I restored every bit of my energy and oxygen possible… I started calculating and urinating only twice a day to save oxygen, energy and myself from the chest pain… I cud not afford to urinate more than that… I cud not have survived if I did.. I consumed water accordingly…

By then I understood if only urination was causing this excruciating pain then passing stool will definitely make me collapse… thankfully I understood this and remembered what the hospital dietician said, tht if I can’t eat any food then to have 2 scoops of the balanced protein powder that they gave… i again calculated in my mind… I started avoiding dinner/solid food… for more than one reason… firstly my earlier studies on covid had made me aware that protein was essential to heal our lung muscles and body during covid, moreover I was aware that breaking down more food means more usage of oxygen by the body… I also understood that if at all I try to pass stool, I won’t survive the chest pain… I calculated once again… I tried to understand my body… so I started consuming mostly protein… eggs and fruits for breakfast, mostly fish, eggs and veggies for lunch and protein powder for dinner… I was only giving my body what was absolutely necessary.. nothing more..

I lived on protein powder so tht I survive but did not hav to pass stool as I knew my body won’t survive and sustain tht chest pain and might collapse... 

Even changing of dress or sitting up on my bed made me cry in chest pain excessively on this day... I tried to do everything consciously to use least oxygen… I hoped my consciousness wud help me as I knew I was low on oxygen… i conserved oxygen of my body…

On 22nd April my family was asked to b prepared mentally… they intimated my father and emergency contact (my best friend) that I might not be able to make it... I was unaware of this lying on my hospital bed… not lying.. I cud not lie down.. I was sitting all through.. mostly… I was somehow aware that if I sleep, I might not wake up… so I dint.. I dint sleep… 

Doctors were not sure I ll make it… so they had to tell my family to be prepared mentally... simultaneously doctors knew i might hav to undergo an emergency surgery given my condition to bypass air straight to my lungs as a last resort... they communicated to my family about Tracheostomy... a surgery to pass oxygen directly to lungs... which wud need my father’s consent… at the hospital I wasn’t aware of this probable surgery then…

I cud not b treated with remdesivir as my CRP was more than 150 indicating all organs in my body was practically swollen by then and I had excessively high SGPT and SGOT... I stayed awake… I somehow managed to stay awake.. sit, cry but not lie down… I don remember how I passed 23rd April… I remember looking at the setting Sun that day and wondering if it was my last sunset… I remembered my mother’s hospital bed before she passed away with a similar view… i remember praying for a few more years to see the world… I calculated and I passed another day..

But miracle happened I believe ...  on 24th April morning for the first time I felt I might b able to make it...

Gradually I got better with the excessive steroids and was shifted to general ward on 26th... got released 28th night but doc has said next 15 days is crucial... 12 out of 25 valves of my lungs were blocked and I was still not healed... 

I was released… because I was more stable than lot of more critical patients… but I was unstable still then.. doc mentioned that the next 15 days were critical… I had unstable oxygen saturation level, very high CRP, very high infection, wbc more than 18k.. but I was more stable than many many more…so I agreed to release my hospital bed… treatment and weekly tests and doctor consultations continued… I was covid +ve for more than 44 days…

And somehow after this near death experience... i took more time to heal both physically and mentally gradually… I dint speak to anyone for days after coming back from hospital…  I felt different physically… I felt like I had 2 bodies… i mean one body and another May be a soul hovering over me… only a few inches above my body… it took long for me to b myself again…

Life changed… and the way I looked at life changed with it…It was my life altering experience…

I m thankful to my cousin sister, my best friend, a close friend who helped my hospitalisation, Medica Hospital most importantly and Dr.Ghosh for visiting me daily during my stay at hospital without worrying much about himself and definitely for reaching out to my father with good news when I was finally stable…

Dr.Ghosh had later revealed that he wasn’t sure I ll make it with 50% blockage and that another patient with similar conditions had passed away only 2 days back… he wud say “Hati kadae porechilo” lovingly 😂😂😂

24th April is my mother’s birthday.

It’s time to celebrate this new LIFE ❤️

Incident:  April 2021 

Document: April 2023

Untitled...

I feel all of us on this earth and beyond are heading towards a singular understanding... one goal...same for everyone... irrespective of who we are…our colour caste creed state religion or even country... its beyond sex… and beyond even human beings... it extends itself to every life on earth… even to the animals, plants, sea life…invisible…everything and everyone ...to all souls... only our paths are different...
We are in the School of Life... And as we move closer to that goal or the certification of that realization... our Life Expectancy reduces... We come closer to unification with Death... Death of the requirement of social presence and confirmation… Does our longer Life Expectancy nowadays mean we are delayed to that realization? I don know but would like to explore...
There is something more which is spinning in my head for a while now...An invisible string around 7… It’s all same I feel... and like the 7 Chakras of Human Body... we have heard of the 7 vows of Marriage... Promises made by young couple of 7 lives of togetherness... Friendship of 7 years and beyond... Like the 7 rays of light... like the 7 Wheels of Puri's Konark temple... The 7 Rishis of Shiva... We have our 7 Continents too and largely the 7 oceans inbetween...its all in 7... there are more to the story of 7 some known and some even unknown to my small understanding and knowledge… 
And what intrigued me further into the invisible string is the 7 rounds of the snake in Dhanalinga in Isha, Coimbatore… Did i see it correctly or was it my illusion? Is there a story to that as well? Is there a story of 7? Are there 7 kinds of lives broadly? Or may be 7 earths? i don know... I’m yet to find anything on that… if any of you has any knowledge on this please do share…

Gift

We associate Music with Memories…Memories of childhood , school days, first love or may be 1^st movie with friends, hostel life, late night study sessions ... travel...places.. the smell of rains…first flush..Music creates Memories for life...And it defines so many relationships…Probably even the ones which society cant assign a name to !

But Music takes great strength to sustain it !

And what about someone who brought the entire world of Music back to your life…one who is helping you relentlessly to create memories ..with friends , strangers , love , family , work , parents, everyone , the entire world..…even with self…

He gifted me Music !

A Cool Autumn Evening...

It was the onset of a cool autumn evening...the dry cooler air from the north had started flowing gently since the last few days...it felt nice on her cheek the other day when she was travelling back from work...and she had started welcoming it now...

Suddenly he said...there is a scope to go for a movie today...they had not been to any theater since August...

Maya checked her mobile app for any upcoming movie at the nearest theater and soon they rushed to the auditorium where the show was just about to begin...

The movie was nice... quite a engrossing one for a regional movie in that genre...soon out of the theater and they still had time for a quick bite somewhere close by but Maya preferred to return bk home... something inside her was pulling her back to the comfort and warmth of her own room...she had started feeling the cold of the weather seeping into the relationship...and it was growing faster every passing moment... she craved for warmth...

She wanted to speak to her best friend... to someone where she felt warmer... secured.. cared for...

She realized that the equation between them had changed ...more than 3 hours of the movie without even a finger touching each other...in the flash of a second she realized its more than 3 months that...she knew the warmth between them was gone...

She wanted to rush back home to the tightest hug ever...she knew if there was anyone who cud put her back to one single piece again...it was him.. someone she depended on...a lot..

On her way back...she spoke a bit to her best friend...Maya was slightly settled now after speaking to him...and slightly better equipped to handle the colder days ahead...

26th Oct 2016

He is Here to Stay...

Maya was dancing her heart out on the Dance Floor...Little did she know she had already floored him by then...Loud Music, dimmed lights and lot of friends defined the evening ... She saw him looking at her from a distance...with a grin...and then as their eyes met...a huge smile...a friendly warm happy smile...he was sitting with his drink quiet and quite far... She could hardly see him through the crowd and her eyes searched for him from time to time... Looking into his eyes made her feel peaceful and happy...Relaxed..

Maya was dancing to a latest Bollywood number.. their taste of songs were completely different... he liked old Bollywood numbers , classics and knew his music too well... though he equally enjoyed the latest numbers on the vibrant dance floor from time to time ...Their eyes met quite a number of times after that throughout the evening..

In the last few days Maya's eyes has searched for him again and again...she just wanted to see him...a single sight of him was making her a happier person..everytime she saw him...something between them sent warm vibes from the time she has met him...

Party got over soon..but not for Maya...she was enjoying with few close friends..and soon at the wee hours passing midnight her phone vibrated..Not expecting a text at that moment she took little time to check her phone...A text from him..Her eyes sparkled and smile reached the corner of her eyes...He had invited her over for a chat over drink..A few quick texts exchanged between them...He waited for her for a while too before going off to sleep that evening...but she couldn't manage to suddenly leave her friends and go...

Though her entire soul wanted to rush to him, wanted to speak to him ones.. something within her whispered.. "don hurry" ..Something within her wanted her to take time with him...to know why that sensation passed through her spine when he extended support for the first time... She wanted to know fast but the voice within her wanted her to go slow...Something told her...He is here to Stay...

It was time to part the day after...The time approached sooner and their eyes did all the talking...with a promise to meet soon...Life emerged and continued...

22nd June 2017

Unsent !

On a winter afternoon, Maya was standing in her Balcony with her favorite drink...a notification on her phone...a hangout message..one of her very close friends had sent her his location...he was in her city for a day ...they were not talking for almost 3 years...may be even more than that..and she had repented it more than ones...

She was elated but dint know how to respond...next day while thinking of replying to his text...by mistake Maya makes a hangout call..she disconnected immediately and wrote him back ..."sorry by mistake" ...

Silence again...for quite some time...few days and then few months again...

Until one night when Maya was breaking down to a crisis around her..it must have been 1 am or so and the only voice which she knew could gather her up and motivate her again at that moment was him... "can i speak to you for 5 mins" she texted with a lot of courage...Ever courteous as he was, he immediately called back...They spoke for more than 2 hours and saw the dawn together at 2 different parts of the world...she calmed down a bit by then... life felt in control once again...though as always she would hardly take his suggestions on anything...only to realize with time everytime that he was probably right...

In a few months he shifted to Mumbai...her city...but they avoided meeting each other...

On his birthday Maya wrote him a letter but somehow dint send it...couldn't send it...

"Yes a lot could have happened probably...i can feel that now...had i responded 3 years back...i still remember few words you had written and which had impacted me quite a lot...to leave the scar even today... "Taken" ...soon after my marriage was fixed...oh how could i even miss...its 4 years not 3...strange we are...i dint speak to u for more than 3 1/2 yrs and you dint bother to ask me even once...never ever...as if it was normal..as if nothing had changed...and then one day when i was too too upset with life..was feeling cheated...depressed...was getting choked...i just wanted to hear one voice...i knew you will be able to calm me down if not anything else and there you were with all the warmth...your warmth made me break down...my voice choked soon on the other side of the receiver...and we spoke as if we never stopped talking...

This is rare...precious i suppose..it happens only with best of friends i guess...

Incidentally now we stay in the same city...though i knew i never wanted it...even told you this but its me who selected the final house and somehow this arrangement felt perfect...i don know..which force is acting where...which is acting for us and which is against...i don know..i m totally and utterly confused about us...we are amazingly funny...we are trying our best to keep away and every force is putting us back together...atleast that's what it seems till now...

I remember we wished about sitting on your window pane and drinking till sunrise...but that i wanted to do in your city...which never happened and which i still want to do..yes in your city still now...you mentioned that i m looking for "companionship" in a friend...but we parted..willingly or unwillingly...

Yes i always wanted to stay away from u...you know why...its difficult...yes like lot of our contested discussions , you were right in this too...'either we should stay together or stay like strangers'..something u told almost 4 years bk..."

The letter still rested in peace in Maya's drafts...

Kolkata , 25 April 2016

My Stranger...

This was the second time Maya was meeting him in life...the first being almost a decade back...she had met him for work then...

It was their first informal meeting...She reached their scheduled place around 7 pm to see him seated in a corner table...a cozy corner..a place for two...the place was dimly lit with loud music...a pool table at the ground floor and a huge led screen featuring a live football match...the only brightness amongst all this was his smile...she was happy to see him...

They have been speaking since one and a half months now or may be little bit more...They spoke about their lives...their ongoing turmoils...about themselves...about their inhibitions...strengths ...weaknesses and then they met...it was long due it seemed...

They started off with their own share of wine...Maya started feeling relaxed in a while, from the skeptical self that she was when she first entered...she was too stressed with her ongoing divorce...a break-up of another very close to heart relationship...life seemed haywire for her when she met him...The dimmed lights helped her to open up...to be upfront about her feelings..about things which she has never shared with anyone...she opened up about her relationship...about the break-up...and he dint miss the tears that sparkled in her eyes from time to time...

The warm hand caressed her head...he mentioned with the bright smile.."God Bless u"...it felt like heaven..she has been missing this..she knew it was making her weak...It was all very intimate...a very very intimate discussion...they spoke for almost 2 hours over food and a few glasses of wine by then...and soon it was time for confessions... It was time to tell "truths" as he says...Maya was happy to hear how within the very short span of about a month...he has found a very good friend in her...Its after almost a year that someone made her feel happy..worthy..needed..she had a friend to depend on...yes they had shared with each other things and experiences of their lives...he has been a very active support during the most traumatic situation of her life...when she is going through a divorce...

Suddenly holding her hand he said "where were you all these while? Why dint u meet me earlier? Why dint you ask me?" ...Maya with a little pause, replied "was fighting with life" ...somehow silence was growing stronger between them...and she could understand she was herself avoiding looking into his eyes...soon he mentioned that he likes her...they shared their similar difficulties...difficult times of life...how both of them dreaded weekends...they spoke...She was feeling blessed and relaxed after so many months...And soon the warm soft hand touched her again...no not her head anymore..this time its her cheek...she could feel his entire wide soft and warm palm on her face...wiping her tears...smile struggled through her tears...it was the 1st time she was experiencing something so beautiful... A touch which dint feel unknown for her to move away...as if she was waiting for this..as if it was so close to her and yet she was searching it...it felt eternal...a spark went down her spine...a fire within wanted to frame the moment...she was slightly touching his other hand by then...this was the first time she was touched so beautifully deep inside..the first time in a public place by any man ever as if they were bound to meet...as if he was the man...

He drove her back home... their fingers never left each other the entire time...parting seemed so very difficult...only with the hope to meet again...Maya wanted to meet him again, may be next day itself but she was silent...it was too much of happiness for her on a single day...she was scared that she wont be able to handle it...he left...he vanished...After much trial when she could finally reach him next day evening...he mentioned..what do you expect out of me..."we were acquaintances,we met...we had a nice time"...it echoed in her heart more than in her ears...yesterday seemed a dream to her now and she silently mentioned "My Stranger..."

It was someone who touched her scar to feel it..rather than just seeing it...

Kolkata , 7th Feb 2016